


A Tiny Charge

by CommanderBunnBunn



Category: MacGyver (TV 2016)
Genre: Babies, Fluff, Gen, Good Dad Jack, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, It's like a plot to a cheesy 80s movie, Self-Indulgent, Team as Family, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, You Have Been Warned
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-12
Updated: 2020-06-16
Packaged: 2021-01-29 13:40:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21411073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CommanderBunnBunn/pseuds/CommanderBunnBunn
Summary: Completely self indulgent fic involving Team Improvise. No warnings apply at all except maybe some swear words. Gen fluff will be rampant. Mention of what happened to Jack in the previous story (Cartel + Capture) but not a necessary prereq.Little vignettes involving Team Improvise + a baby.
Relationships: Jack Dalton & Angus MacGyver (MacGyver TV 2016)
Comments: 76
Kudos: 42





	1. Baby 1-Adults 0

After six long boring weeks on mandatory leave, Jack Dalton was finally cleared by Phoenix medical to return to work. His bones were long healed and his injuries merely scars to add to an already extensive collection.

It Was a Friday night, and the team was celebrating Jack's impending triumphant return to work with steak and drinks at a local tavern. Unfortunately for Jack, his mandatory respite from work was also a break from drinking... anything and everything interesting to drink like alcohol and caffeine. His celebrating was limited to one beer. As much as the rest of the team wanted to hold back for Jack's benefit, he encouraged them to partake in as much as they desired.

Their incomplete team had had a rough time for the last month without Jack around; they completed missions without major incident, but it didn't feel right. It wasn't the same without Jack. The kids took down two bottles of rosé before their entrees even arrived . They didn't want Jack to feel left out as they pounded back beer after beer or split a bottle of Jameson, so the wine was a new and unique choice for the group. Silliness and laughs were abundant as the younger agents recalled their last mission they had just finished the debriefing for as Jack was being cleared in Medical.

Bozer could barely get his sentence out through the giggles, "and Mac was trying to distract them while Riley finished hacking into their system, and he didn't have anything to build a bomb or whatever thing to go boom," he laughed so hard that he snorted, eliciting more giggles from everyone else, "So he straight up went and pulled a StarLord."

Jack's eyes widened as he took a final pull from the beer he'd been nursing the whole time. "Are you shitting me?"

"No! He did it all! Singing, dancing, he did it." Bozer finished his glass of wine and started to move his shoulders and hips in the seat. "Ooh child, things are gonna get easier. Ooh child, things'll get brighter."

Mac blushed as he recalled his most uncharacteristically Mac improvisation to date. Jack looked him straight in the eye with the proudest most genuine smile that reached all the way to his eyes. "I am so damn proud of you right now." Jack beamed, wiping a pretend tear from his eye. "My boy!"

"You shoulda seen it, Jack." Bozer continued, "it was straight out of the Jack Dalton playbook."

Jack placed his hand on Mac's shoulder, giving it a fond squeeze. "My boy!"

Directly across from Jack at the round table, Riley chimed in, "and it actually worked. I wish I'd seen it with my own eyes too."

Bozer laughed, "maybe he'll reenact it for us now. "

Mac shut them down with a chuckle, shaking the empty bottle of wine, "It would take another two bottles of this for me to ever do that again. Thank goodness Jack is back to handle the non explosive diversions. Mac and Jack leaned in sideways for an embrace complete with sturdy back pats, grateful to be able to work together again .

The entrees and another bottle of wine arrived, indulgent carbs and red meat filling their bellies and souls. As their plates were emptied, all four phones started buzzing simultaneously. The work week was over, they had the rest of the night off, there was no way they were being summoned to the Phoenix. 

"WAR ROOM! NOW!" was the only context given via text message. The gang asked for to-go boxes and the check. 

The team piled into the GTO, Mac riding shotgun, leaving their other vehicles at the restaurant for safety reasons as Jack was the only one actually ok to drive.

The privacy glass in the war room was already opaqued, and the team entered reluctantly with the three younger agents trying to sober up quickly with large bottles of water. Director Webber impatiently waited for the team to take their seats, blinking deliberately at their feeble attempt to hide their intoxication. 

"Sorry Matty," Mac apologized, "we were released for the day."

"No need to apologize, Blondie. The only one I need sober is Jack, and I take it he begrudgingly followed doctor's orders to only have ONE beer."

"Yes, ma'am." Jack looked ashamed; as if he were a party pooper for doing as he was asked for once.

"Well then, let's get started. Meet Chester and Maryanna Hilderbrand." their photos slid onto the screen, a blonde woman in her twenties and a fair skinned male with eyes clear and icy blue like Mac's. His hair was shaved into a dirty blonde mohawk, accompanied by a smile that would melt the coldest of hearts.

"They've been deep cover for seven years, infiltrating one of the deepest darkest terror organizations on our own soil."

"Home grown terrorists are the worst kind." Jack added quietly to no one in particular.

"This group is responsible for the most heinous racially and culturally motivated attacks in our country. Their activities and recruiting are impossible to track because while these terrorists live normal lives with normal jobs. They are so secretive that we don't even know a name for their organization. Their terrorist activities are completely off the grid. These people know how to do everything without electronic communication or any digital footprint relating to their illegal activities. These are neighbors, coworkers, contractors, friends, and no one is the wiser."

Matty tapped things into her tablet and a letter slid onto the screen. "About a year ago, we received this handwritten letter, mailed from a post office near where they were stationed, stating they wanted out because they had a baby on the way. They indicated that they'd obtained names and dates of future terror strikes.

In this letter, they informed us that there was an attack planned for next week at a church but that there were also three other attacks planned around the city at the same time, for which we have no information."

Bozer thought it sounded pretty cut and dry, "So we warn them and protect them. Secretly notify other places and people that could be targets, synagogues and schools. What do they need us for?"

"As I was saying, the Hilderbrands have compiled a folder of dossiers, targets, dates, and recruiting information. All hard copy because these homegrown terrorists keep tabs on everyone. They monitor all members' phone activity and digital footprint, making sure everyone stays in line for the public eye, and no one is discovered or outed as a member."

"Last night, the Hilderbrands made digital copies of all of the dossiers and files to backup their hard copies. The files were immediately moved to portable storage and deleted, but not before the terrorists found out."

"An hour ago, local PD discovered Chester's body burned inside his home and Maryanna down the road, in their vehicle with a bullet between her eyes and her car on fire with their ten month old in the back seat."

"Luckily a passing motorist discovered the burning vehicle and pulled the infant from the back seat, unharmed. The fire department determined that the fire originated in the office of the home and an accelerant was used. All of the intel they collected over the last seven years was destroyed."

The team, on the edge of their seats wondered how they came into play in this mess. 

"About thirty minutes ago, we received an encrypted message from an unknown sender, presumably Maryanna with a last ditch effort to get us the info. Nothing was in the message but the words 'diaper duty.' That's where you guys come in."

More confused than ever the team urged Matty to press on by leaning forward, staring intently at her .

"Mitch from IT, who we should totally be giving a raise at this point, decrypted the message and brought it to my attention after cross referencing PD and Fire activity in the area, putting all of the pieces together. We believe the   
portable media may be on the baby."

"That's great," Jack announced "get the baby, find the drive, save the day. Is the baby

in protective custody? Foster family? DFCS?"

"As a matter of fact," Matty walked to a vacant chair in the corner of the war room,

lifting a plastic car seat basket from behind it and carrying it to the table in the center of the room.

"This is Clarence Liam Hilderbrand, and he is your charge for the next week."

"That's a terrible name, poor kid." Jack was immediately on his feet reaching for the sleeping infant when Matty slapped his hand away .

"Never Wake a sleeping baby!" she scolded as Jack sat back down with mock offense. "This is a perfect mission to get you back in the swing of things after your extended leave of absence."

He rolled his eyes in disgust as if she were blaming him for being kidnapped and tortured, obviously a defense mechanism for her trying to hide how shaken she was by Jack's previous ordeal, "Well why us? This sounds like a homeland security kind of deal. It's literally a babysitting gig."

"Well they were our agents. And do you think civilian foster parents will be able to handle this?

The terrorists will undoubtedly figure out that the baby is somehow key to getting this intel and will try to track him down. Foster records are easily

uncovered by the most novice hackers. Leaving this baby in the care of your... inebriated yet capable team is the best option for the baby and the safety of the citizens."

The sleeping baby waas buckled into his car seat and covered with a tiny green knitted blanket. They smelled of smoke from the vehicle fire, but the child was checked by the fire department to make sure he was ok. The rest of the team had gathered around Jack oohing and aahing over the adorable tiny person left in Jack's charge. He sat cross legged on the floor in front of the table to get a closer look. 

The baby's very fine and sparse blonde hair was brushed to one side, his pale skin still undamaged by the sun. The green monkey printed on the pacifier started to bob up an down as little Clarence stirred and sucked on it for comfort. His chunky little arms reached above his head in a deep stretch, knocking his blanket to the table as his legs went straight out, adorable tiny toes spreading apart with the stretch like a cat's.

"Aaaw!" Riley couldn't contain her adoration.

The baby noticed the sound and opened his eyes, taking in the five strangers and his new surroundings. His green eyes broadcast betrayal, and in slow motion, his pacifier dropped as his mouth opened wide in a silent wail. Jack reached for him, first looking to Matty for approval. With a nod, he took his cue to unbuckle the infant and free him from his car seat capsule.

Jack held him at arm's length, gauging the baby's reaction to being picked up by a stranger. He didn't cry any louder, so Jack took it as an OK to pull the child in close up against his chest. Jack patted his bottom with his right hand while supporting acroos his back with his other arm, simultaneously bouncing up and down and shushing quietly into the baby's ear.

"You wanna move?" He asked the infant, not expecting an answer, but started walking around the room anyway, shushing and speaking quietly with an inflection they'd only heard him use with puppies and Mac when he was sick. 

While they were all painfully aware of Jack's annoyingly stong paternal instinct, they'd never seen it in action in quite that way before. Everyone was in awe, except of course for Matty, who'd somehow known that this was an ideal soluton; it was clear that the baby was in good hands, calling to question their strange and mysterious past once again.

Within moments, the infant was nuzzled into Jack's neck and sleeping again, gripping Jack's shirt sleeve with his chubby little fist.


	2. Baby 2 - Adults 0

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team gets acquainted with their new mission.

Jack walked circles around the room, lightly bouncing the sleeping baby against his chest while humming Kashmir by Led Zeppelin. 

"Hey Riley," Jack whispered, standing in place, still swaying with the child. She shook herself back into this weird reality and acknowledged he was about to ask a favor. "Will you get the model and serial number off that car seat and print out a manual for me?" 

She balked at his request, "I can just send the pdf to your phone." 

"I know, but if I pinch to make the text bigger, I have to keep sliding it back and forth because only like 4 words fit on the page."

"Oh right, using your old man glasses now."

He side eyed her with a raised eyebrow. 

"Jeez, sorry. I'll send it to the printer." She rolled her eyes. A short time later, she grabbed the paper stack from the printer and handed them to Jack. "The manual was 88 pages, so I just printed out the English version of it. I was tempted to get the Dutch version to be a smart ass, but I figure you've got enough on your plate right now."

He snatched the papers from her and moved to sit next to Mac. Jack eased himself into the seat, stuffing the paper in between the couch cushion and its arm momentarily. He stopped bouncing the baby and leaned forward, supporting Clarence in the air with his forearm. "Here, Mac."

"What?" Mac's response was louder and more appalled that he wanted it to sound. "I don't know how to work those things."

"Just grab your elbows across your body and hold your arms out." Mac followed the instruction and Jack eased the infant into his awaiting arms. Mac cradled the baby, adjusting a few times until he found a suitable position for them both. "Now tilt him inward so there's a little more contact, like chest to chest." Mac tried that and went back to cradling Clarence on his back instead. "You'll get the hang of it. Just don't look...so...afraid of him. He won't hurt ya." Mac snickered at the thought. "Maybe prop your arm up on the armrest of the couch. That's it."

"Ok, that does feel more natural. Thanks, Jack."

Mac looked at the sleeping infant and finally relaxed. He couldn't help but smile at the chubby soft cheek squished against his chest. 

Jack slipped on his glasses and read the carseat installation manual cover to cover fairly quickly. "I'm gonna go install this car seat base in the GTO, be right back."

Jack returned a short time later to the baby awake and laughing, playing Peek-a-boo with Riley. Mac was reading the car seat manual as Jack approached with a request, "Ah, I'm glad you're reading it. I want you to check my work."

"Come again?" Mac questioned.

"Check my work. Make sure it's installed correctly."

"Jack these are simple instructions. Well as simple as 44 pages of instruction on buckling a piece of plastic into a car can be. Besides, you can fly any machine known to man, I'd be hard pressed to think you couldn't be trusted with car seat installation."

"Always safer to have a 2nd set of eyes. Speaking of eyes, anyone see a diaper bag or anything? We might need supplies." Jack asked

Matty pulled an overflowing diaper bag from behind a chair. "You should be set for the night, the supply run can wait till tomorrow morning. There are breast milk bottles in the cooler in the diaper bag, they were recovered from the deep freezer by the fire department at the Hildebrand house. They were thawing, but should be ok to sit in the fridge until they're used.”

“Ok then, we’re all set. Autobots, roll out.” Jack announced as he grabbed the diaper bag. 

Riley placed the baby back into his car seat and buckled him in. Mac approached her to carry the baby out to the car and adjusted the straps. “This long one is the chest clip,” he explained as he slid it up from Clarence’s belly, “it has to be lined up with the armpits.” Riley gave him a disapproving look for questioning her actions. “Sorry, it was in the manual. I didn’t know until I read it either. You’re way better at this baby thing than I am already, I swear I’m not questioning your abilities.”

She smirked at him and picked up the car seat by the handle, walking toward the door. 

Mac and Jack reached the car first, Mac checked the installation of the car seat base quickly before taking the front passenger seat. Riley clicked the carrier in place into the base and slid into the car next to the baby, behind Jack. Bozer took the seat behind Mac for their ride back to their house. 

The 50 year old overhead cabinlight in Jack’s car wasn’t bright enough to illuminate the trio in the back seat, so Riley and Bozer used their phones to shine light on their faces to entertain the small child on the short ride home.

“Clarence?” Jack started, “That’s a real badass name, but it’s not a baby name. Like you don’t see babies named things like Ebeneezer or Fred, just adults.”

“You don’t see anyone named Ebeneezer, Jack. Did you grow up during the Civil War or something?” Riley teased.

“You know what I mean. He needs a kid name." Jack explained. "Something like Bobby or Danny or Petey."

"Malcolm." Riley couldn't hold back her laugh at her own very-not-a-baby-name idea.

"Craig." Bozer added.

Mac felt compelled to join in with his own bad suggestion, "Glenn." 

"Alright, Angus, I see y'all aren't going to be any help." Jack took his eyes off the road to stare down his partner, "I guess he'll just be Jack Junior then." Jack's eyes lit up, "or Luke like Luke Skywalker since Han Solo isn't a very kid friendly name. There was a freshman on the football team when I was a senior whose name was Han and he was teased mercilessly. Back then only the huge nerds liked Star Wars, so it was definitely not cool to be named after Han Solo. I guess now it's cool, but in the early 90s it was definitely not." Jack pondered the names for a moment, "So if he's Luke, I'm Uncle Owen." Jack pointed a thumb toward Mac, "and you're Aunt Beru."

Mac countered, "if you call him Luke, you're equating his dad, who died tragically and a hero, to an evil Sith Lord."

"I guess you're right." Jack sounded defeated. 

Bozer threw out his own pop culture suggestion, "Or what about Harry Potter, with that kind of tragic backstory, Harry is appropriate."

"No, Harry is a terrible name." Riley objected. "He needs some generic white boy name, like Chris or John?"

"Like my man McClane. Yeah, I like that, Ri. Johnny Boy it is." Jack's excitement was apparent in his voice. 

"Look what you've done," Bozer whispered loudly at Riley, "this poor kid's gonna be dressed in white tank tops now."

They pulled into the driveway, and the three younger agents exited the car. "Mac," Riley asked, "you mind if I crash on your couch? We can pick up our cars from the restaurant in the morning."

"Yeah, that works." MacGyver agreed. "Jack, why don't you stay here too? In case the baby doesn't sleep well. It'll be easier to take turns so you can get some sleep."

Jack stuck his head out the window with a stern reply, "I can handle a child, Angus." 

"Damn," Bozer elbowed Mac in the ribs, "you got first named _twice_ in like 10 minutes. That's a new record for Jack. He's a once a month kind of user."

"I'm not doubting you, Jack. This kid's been through a lot. New surroundings, missing his parents...we don't even know if he sleeps with a night light, with lullabies or a white noise maker, or even when his bedtime even is."

"I guess you're right."

Bozer clapped with enthusiasm, "a good old fashioned sleepover. We'll see what Johnny thinks of my chicken and waffles in the morning."

When they detached his car seat from its base, Claren...Johnny was sleeping lightly despite the excited chatter in the car. Once they entered the house and placed his car seat on the ground, he began to wail. 

"He's probably hungry." Bozer suggested. "Don't babies eat for like 18 hours a day?"

Mac shot him a puzzled look, "I think that's cats, and it's not eating, it's sleeping."

"But you still understood my reasoning, so mission accomplished." Bozer shot him finger guns.

Riley unbuckled the baby and lifted him gently, wrapping her arms around his back and resting him on her hip. She popped his pacifier into his mouth and started to walk the room. He was placated for about 90 seconds before he spit it onto the floor and started screaming again. 

Jack was digging through the cooler in the kitchen, examining the breast milk bag. "It doesn't say how long to microwave this to heat it up. I'm pretty sure it's supposed to be warm, not like a milkshake like this."

Bozer whipped out his phone to research. Mac was sifting through the other contents of the diaper bag and found an applesauce pouch. 

"Riley, I found a snack...I think." He cracked the seal on the screw cap on the pouch, eliciting a Pavlovian response from the angry child. He seemed intrigued and stopped screaming for a moment.

Riley hiked him up a little higher in her arms so he could see Mac from over her shoulder. He squeezed her arm with excitement and tugged on her hair with his other hand. Mac approached him and raised the applesauce pouch tentatively toward the baby as if he were trying to entice a wild animal to eat from his hand. 

Johnny eagerly sucked a mouth full of the fruit puree from the pouch and just as enthusiastically, spit the whole amount out onto Riley's shoulder. Mac froze in place as if he'd just stepped on a pressure plate and whispered, "Oh God, Riley, don't move."

"What?" She whispered loudly back to him, unable to hide the fear in her voice.

"If you turn your head, you'll get applesauce all in your hair. Now don't move." 

"Ugh." Her disgust was apparent as was her relief that it was just some rogue food on her clothes.

To fetch some paper towels, Mac bolted into the kitchen where Jack and Bozer were dealing with their own problems.

"Well this mommy board person says to heat the milk in the bag, but this user says to heat it in the bottle." Bozer continued to read helpful information off his phone, "but they seem to universally agree that you head the breast milk in a water bath."

Jack turned up the corners of his mouth in confusion with a squint. "Like thawing a turkey?" 

"Well no. More like...heating it indirectly I guess?" Bozer voice went up an octave with uncertainty. 

Jack mumbled out of the side of his mouth to Bozer, "ixnay on the ermodynamicsthay with him in the room or you might end up getting a lecture explaining how exactly the molecules in the liquid blahbidy blah to make it do whatever."

Mac grabbed the towels and corrected Jack as he hurried back to the living room, "Milk is a colloidal suspension, and the best way to heat that quantity up to body temperature in water from it's currently partially thawed state is to put the baggie in a giant coffee mug and push the middle sized coffee cup button on the Keurig." 

They did exactly as they were told as Mac tried to wipe the applesauce from Riley's shoulder without smooshing it into her shirt. "I'm sorry, Ri, he looked so excited about it. I really didn't imagine this would happen."

"I'm just glad it was applesauce and not...milk." she shuddered at the thought. "At least spitting food on me amused him. Try it again. I'm already sticky, maybe he'll take it this time." She suggested as she bounced him lightly.

"Ok." Mac wasn't convinced. He showed the baby the applesauce pouch again, and again his face lit up and the prospect of having the snack. Tiny John McClane nee Hilderbrand took another mouthful of fruit puree from the spout of the pouch and spit it out with a disgruntled look on his face. "The hell, man?" 

"Maybe he likes it warm." Bozer suggested. "From what I'm seeing on this mommy board, when kids are fairly new to solid foods, a lot of them are fed purees that are warmed up, like you know, they used to do with baby food jars with us. I'll get you a coffee cup of hot water too."

The kid got fussy again as Mac waited impatiently for the applesauce to warm up inside the mug of hot water. When he felt like ample time had passed, he screwed the cap back onto the pouch and shook it up. Afraid he'd lost what little trust the kid had in him, Mac showed him the pouch again from his position behind Riley. Johnny's face lit up again, but with slightly less vigor as Mac twisted the lid off of it. He took a mouthful and swallowed, anticipating another mouthful immediately. 

He emptied the pouch in seconds and Riley felt it was time to pass him along to his new BFF, Mac. She placed the happy tot onto Mac's hip like she'd been holding him, letting Mac get his arm situated under the baby's butt. He wasn't sure what to do with the empty food pouch and handed it to Johnny, just in case he liked having something to occupy his hands as well. This pleased the child, and he smashed the shiny pouch repeatedly against Mac's chest with delight, making excited squawks with each strike. The bottom corner of the pouch managed to leave a papercut like scratch across Mac's cheek before he pried it from the baby's hand. "Hey, I just don't want _you_ to get hurt." He tried to reason with the little blonde, but it was no use; he started to scream again.

Riley washed the pacifier as the other two in the kitchen tried to figure out the bottle situation. She returned the pacifier, and Johnny closed his eyes slowly before snapping them back open, agitated. "Aaaaw, you look just like Mac when he's sleepy and grumpy." She rubbed each one of them on the head, tousling their hair "Maybe he needs a bottle and bed." She grabbed the diaper bag searching for pajamas and a fresh diaper. 

Mac laid the baby on his back on the couch and unsnapped the onesie. "Um, this looks like a cloth diaper. Riley, please tell me they have disposables in that bag. I don't even know what to do with a cloth diaper." 

Riley continued to dig through the bag as Jack came from the kitchen with bottle in hand. Mac joined Riley at the bag and dragged it back to the couch. 

Jack rushed to the couch taking a seat by the baby's feet, "Mac! You can't just leave a baby on the couch, it'll roll over and splat on the floor like a potato."

"Potatoes don't splat." 

Jack played at being annoyed, "Neither do babies from this height, but you get my drift. Don't leave 'em unattended...like ever."

Bozer grinned from ear to ear "Spoken like a true helicopter parent."

Changing the subject, Jack drew attention to the streak on Mac's cheek that was pink and puffy. "Damn, son. The kid get you with his sharp paper thin talons?"

"No." He sighed, "applesauce pouch."

"Baby-2, adults-0," Jack lamented. "Who's the next victim?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter, bedtime and a supply run


	3. Baby 3 - Adults 0

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first night

Jack unfastened the plastic snaps on the diaper and slid it out from underneath the baby. "Damn, son, this one smells ripe. How long you been marinating in your own pee, buddy? You need a bath, but for now this'll have to do."

He opened the package of wipes and pulled one out, touching it to the baby's skin to try to remove some of the smell. The baby pulled his legs in in response and curled up. "Sorry little dude, I wouldn't want something that cold touching my pecker either."

Riley scoffed with mock disgust, "Jeez, Jack! Language. And please don't refer to any of the baby's body parts with words you'd use to describe any of your own again. He's a perfect little innocent baby, and you're...Jack Dalton."

Jack rolled his eyes as he dropped the wipe on the floor and pulled out a fresh one, warming it between his palms. Unexpectedly, the baby peed straight up into the air. Amazed by the distance the kid was getting, Jack barely realized how big of a mess was being sprayed around. He panicked and cupped his hand over the stream; it splashed back onto the baby's onesie. "That was the wrong plan of action. Mac, you're the improvisation king, help!"

Mac shrugged, "I've got nothing."

Once Johnny finished his business, Jack removed the soiled onesie and started his clean up process again. There were no pajamas in the diaper bag, so the spare onesie would have to do. Jack contemplated what to do with his own wet jeans and shirt, debating just leaving them on. Mac saw that look of defeated acceptance in Jack's eye and made a suggestion, "I think you have a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt in the guest room dresser. I'll take the little guy, and you go wash up."

"Baby-3 Adults-0." Jack held up 3 fingers on one hand an a formed a zero with his other thumb and forefinger as he retreated to the guest room. 

When Jack returned to the family room in fresh comfortable loungewear, Bozer was wearing long pink kitchen gloves and sanitizing the wet spot on the couch. Mac had the baby propped up in the far corner of the couch and was wiggling his fingers to amuse the child who was giggling at Mac's silly faces. 

"Aw dude, don't get him all wound up, we're trying to get him ready for bed." Jack commented.

Mac put his arms up in surrender, "sorry, man." The baby mimicked him and put his pudgy arms into the air giggling at Mac before leaning forward and slamming his hands on the couch in a fit of infectious infant laughter. Mac followed suit, but in a much more melodramatic fashion. He arched back and flung himself forward to smash his hands onto the cushion so that his hair whipped back and then forward into his eyes. They both laughed. 

"Well that was adorable. Forget what I just said, carry on." Jack told them as he sat down on top of the towel Bozer had just placed on the couch to draw out the moisture. He rifled through the diaper bag in search of a blanket since the one in his car seat smelled of smoke, an unpleasant reminder of the fate of the poor child's parents. Jack unfolded a thin blanket decorated with green baby giraffes and held it up in front of his face, "this doesn't look very warm and cozy, I can see through it." 

Bozer was already back on his phone perusing the mommy boards, "it looks like those muslin blankets are pretty popular with the moms these days. It's not too hot, but keeps them warm. I noticed the little guy sweats a good bit when he sleeps when he was napping earlier."

"Ok then, Mary Poppins. Thanks for the input. Why don't you research which Beethoven album is best to put kids to sleep next?" Jack said as he inhaled the baby detergent smell wafting off the blanket. 

"Actually," Bozer hesitated, "I found something you'd probably like, Jack." After a few taps on his screen, Bozer cast the lullabies to the speaker next to the tv. 

Jack knitted his eyebrows together as the music started, "is that...Enter Sandman...in lullaby form?" his smile reaching his eyes upon realization. 

"Yes, Jack. There's an entire album of Metallica lullabies, there's also Iron Maiden, Chili Peppers, Van Halen…" Bozer was cut off by Jack motioning for him to hand over the phone.

Jack's eyes widened as he read the list, "The Stones, Zepp, Sabbath, GNR, CCR, Beastie Boys! Shit, had I known this existed, we may have been able to avoid the Ambien Incident."

The three other adults in the room groaned at the mention of it. Jack tossed the phone back to Bozer who was caught off guard and fumbled it a few times before stabilizing his grip. "Cue up everything." Jack demanded, "and send the playlist to my phone too."

As Mac stood to leave the room, ceasing their play, the huge smile on Johnny's face cracked and melted into a frown of betrayal reminiscent of the look on Stay Puft's face as the Ghostbusters opened fire on him with their proton packs. 

"Oh no!" Jack tried to soothe, scooting over to pick him up. "Uncle Mac will be back. Right now it's time for some milk." He sat the infant on his lap as he bent to retrieve the bottle from the coffee table and toss a burp cloth over his shoulder. Upon seeing the bottle, the baby stopped crying and put his arms out to grab at the bottle.

Jack nestled himself into the corner of the couch with his legs extended across the seat and scooped the baby up, cradling him in one arm as he popped the bottle into his mouth all in one smooth motion. 

"Where's he gonna sleep?" Riley asked, "You can't sit there holding him all night."

"Watch me." Jack threatened, yanking the old crocheted blanket off the back of the couch with his socked feet and covering his own legs with it without even using his hands.

Mac interjected, "how about we put the baby in the guest bed? I'll put pillows and blankets down on the floor surrounding the bed in case he tries to roll off. It's pretty big, so that's not likely, but still not worth risking."

"Go for it." Riley agreed, and Mac hurried to the guest room to prepare the bed with Bozer right behind him to make sure it was up to Mommy Board standards. 

Jack watched the tiny human in his arms start to doze off and decided to attempt to burp him one time before he actually fell asleep since the bottle was halfway emptied. He propped the little guy up on his chest and patted him gently on the back. The pats were increasingly stronger until he produced a quiet belch followed by a massive one. "That's my boy." Jack lowered him back into a cradled position and pulled the light blanket over his charge to finish the bottle.

He couldn't help but smile at the lullaby rendition of _Free Fallin'_ by Tom Petty and _Hotel California_ by the Eagles, but also felt the pull of sleep brought on by the dulcet tones playing his childhood music. Jack slid down a couple inches to relax and rested his head on the back of the couch with his cheek pressed onto the top of the baby's head. 

"That's gonna hurt like hell when he wakes up." Riley said to herself as she snapped a picture of Jack and the baby with her phone. She wasn't sure how to approach him to wake him up since he was holding a child, she didn't want to startle them. Jack couldn't have been asleep too long, so she wasn't afraid of him freaking out and going defensive, but he was Jack who cherishes and protects everyone he knows and everything he owns, so he may put up a fight. 

"Jack," she whispered, but didn't draw his attention. The entire six weeks he was on medical leave, he spent a lot of time napping and even more time actually sleeping. It was a sore spot that accentuated the generational gap between him and his best friends, but they stopped teasing him about it once Matty laid into them, reminding them that his body needed the rest to heal. She told them that "maybe it would be nice to not constantly draw attention to the fact that it's happening, as if the healing joints and cuts weren't reminder enough of what he'd been through. You saw it too, it's not like anyone can forget fast enough. So drop it!"

Riley had adopted her own "wake up Jack" routine, calling his name first then approaching slowly and gently ruffling his uncharacteristically longer hair with her hand. After he'd shaved it, it was more like petting a soft puppy, but he was conditioned quickly to recognize Riley's touch, rousing him for dinner or to head out somewhere. 

She approached him from the side and fluffed his hair with her hand, "hey, Jack, Mac's got the bed ready, why don't you go put him down in the guest room."

Jack lifted his head and nodded sleepily, bending his knees and rotating to get up from the couch. His movements were slow and deliberate. She wanted to believe it was all to not wake the baby, but knew he was still stiff and sore, unable to bounce back from getting hurt like he used to. He shuffled slowly to the room and placed the baby in the center of the bed, covering him with the light blanket. As soon as his chunky limbs unfurled from their previously cuddled up position he woke up wailing. 

Riley was in the doorway quickly with the pacifier as Jack picked him back up, twisting his torso back and forth to rock and soothe the youngster. Bozer showed up next with his phone and new favorite online resource. "Did you try swaddling him?" Bozer asked as he consulted his phone.

"He's almost a year old," Jack countered, voice soft and gentle once the child had settled. "I thought that was a newborn thing."

"Worth a shot?" Bozer shrugged.

"Ok. Riles, fold that blanket in half," Jack instructed as she grabbed the blanket and folded it in half on top of the bed that was stripped down to a single sheet, "no, not that way, triangle ways." She nodded in understanding. "Ok now at the long edge, um, how do I explain this? Sort of drag the top triangle up the middle so the blanket is in the shape of the Superman emblem. Yeah, just like that. Perfect."

Jack laid the child on the blanket, wrapping and tucking corners until the baby burrito was swaddled tight. After a little more rocking and swaying, Jack placed him again in the center of the mattress and admired his handiwork. He spoke softly, "I'm sure Mac's already making a baby monitor out of tinfoil and macaroni, so I'll just hang out here for a little bit in case junior wakes up."

"Good night, Jack." Riley and Bozer whispered together, knowing full well that Jack was going to camp out on the floor next to the bed despite his verbalized intentions. 

Afraid that any sound breaking the still silence of the room would wake the child, Jack turned on a small fan for white noise. While the quiet hum was enough for him, it didn't feel like enough to cover the footsteps in the hallway or the inevitable birds chirping and garbage truck route in the morning. His phone still sitting on the nightstand from his earlier wardrobe change, was blinking with notification of the playlist Bozer had shared. 

Jack started the music as he unfolded the discarded comforter turned floor landing pad into his own little cot. He'd definitely slept on worse. He grabbed a pillow and the top sheet from the protective fluff moat around the bed and dozed off surprisingly quickly. 

Disturbed by the quiet from the guest room most of the night, Bozer didn't sleep soundly. He'd spent another hour reading the mommy boards, fully expecting an awful night of screaming and separation anxiety, spitup and wet diapers, teething and growing pains, but he heard barely more than a few whimpers and Jack's snoring. 

Bozer tiptoed to the guest room just after sunup, silently opening the door slowly to avoid the inevitable creak and squeak of the old hinges, making a mental note to address that at some point with Mac. The coo that escaped his lips was inadvertent, but not loud enough to disturb them. He closed the door as gently as he'd opened it and couldn't wait to report his findings to the others once they were awake. 

Sensing they would wake hungry sooner than later, Bozer pulled out a pound of bacon and a half frozen bag of milk from the fridge, his paternal instincts kicking into overdrive. 

Summoned by the smell of bacon and coffee, Mac emerged from his bedroom hair askew, in gray sweatpants and a t-shirt so worn that the school logo previously emblazoned on the front was unidentifiable. "Boze, it's like barely 6 a.m."

"Yes, I also can read a clock." His best friend mused as he sipped his coffee while turning bacon and manning the waffle iron. "It's 6:13 actually, and waffle number three will be finished in approximately 30 seconds."

"Isn't it a little...early for all this?" Mac stifled a yawn as he stretched one elbow above his head and the other arm straight out to the side while shuffling toward the kitchen.

"No?" He was indignant. "Bacon is always appropriate, any time of day. Plus the little guy seemed to sleep pretty well most of the night. He'll be waking up hungry soon, I'm sure of it."

"Are you talking about the baby or Jack?" Mac no longer wondered why he wasn't tagged in to assist with minding a fussy infant overnight. 

"Little bit from column A, little bit from column B." Bozer shrugged. "By the way, your Bastard of Frankenstein's Orange Juicer™ is on the fritz. It tried to take off my finger. And you should also see about greasing up some of the door hinges around here, but I'll just add that to the Honey-do list on the fridge."

Mac raised his eyebrow at the level of domesticity in their perpetual bachelor pad reaching its peak in less than a day. He grabbed a piece of bacon on the plate next to the stove while Bozer tended to the waffle iron, and Mac was rewarded with a smack on the hand. 

"I thought it was too early for this," Bozer teased as Mac pulled his hand back, his face expressing mock offense followed by a childish pout. "Squeeze some of that OJ and then I might let you have some bacon." Mac palmed an orange half and looked at the Bastard Juicer, not willing to risk his own fingers, he unplugged it and examined it's mismatched parts. 

Riley moaned from under a blanket on the couch, "would you two stop bickering like an old married couple? Some of us are trying to sleep." She covered her head with the blanket and burrowed into the back of the couch.

Mac quietly announced to Bozer, "I have to go to the garage to get some stuff to fix the Bastard Juicer, I'll be back in a few." As he left the kitchen, he snatched a piece of bacon with a cobra-like strike. "I'll check on the other two on the way out." He spun on his heel to face his roommate and shoved the entire piece of bacon in his mouth with a satisfied smirk. 

The creaky floorboards were much more apparent to Mac as he tried to approach the guest room quietly, something else to add to the new found Honey-do list. He peeked his head into the door as he slowly opened it, the sun from a crack in the curtains illuminating the floor by the foot of the bed. Mac couldn't help by smile at the sight on the bed. Jack was sprawled across the bed with the baby burrito cradled in his left arm. Johnny was tucked under Jack's chin with his squishy cheek pressed into the older man's shoulder. Jack had a kill count higher than any other person Mac had ever known, but more than that, he was a nurturer, and it was becoming more apparent as time passed. It could be said that the nurturing was penance for the high body count, but Mac knew that Jack did what he had to do to protect people-people he loved, brothers in arms, people he'd never met. It weighed on Jack's soul; he played at being silly, aloof, but Jack was truly a nurturer. 

Not wanting the invading sunlight to disturb the heartwarming scene, he crept across the room to close the gap between the curtains, a squeaky floorboard not quite rousing the two, the pacifier wiggling in the baby's mouth as he self soothed himself back to a deeper sleep. Jack rolled onto his side, curling up around the infant without moving him. On his way out, Mac picked up the sheet from the makeshift bed on the ground and covered Jack's legs, exiting without a another sound.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The lullabies is a real thing. About a decade ago, I was browsing at a small paper goods store and saw an intriguing CD, Rockabye Baby! Lullaby renditions of Metallica. I had to have it. My childless adult ass had to have it. I paid an insane amount of money ($23US) for this CD and loved every second of it. As soon as I heard the first song at home, I purchased many more of the albums online because it's a really great concept.


	4. Baby 4 - Adults 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Breakfast and a bath.

Jack awoke to the sunshine peeking around the perimeter of the curtains; the baby nestled in the crook of his arm was still sleeping peacefully. He couldn't hide the smile that crept up his lips at the sight. Jack brushed the lightest kiss to the infant's temple, taking in that new baby smell. 

Content to stay there as long as needed, Jack relaxed back into his pillow and closed his eyes to wait out the little one who was still snoozing lightly. The enticing smell of bacon cooking pulled Jack away from his catnap and the baby shortly thereafter. 

"Hey there, little buddy." Jack's voice was soft and sweet. He twirled his fingers into the child's sparse curls that were pressed to his forehead from sleep; he responded by crossing his squishy bow legs and then stretching all of his limbs out with a gigantic yawn. "Me too, man." Jack stood with an equally emphatic yawn, joints popping and cracking with every slight movement. 

"Let's go see what the big kids are up to. Uncle Bozer probably made you some pancakes." He pondered for a moment as he picked the baby up, "uncle?" He questioned out loud, "maybe brother. Let's let him decide." 

He pulled Johnny to his chest and hooked his arm around his back. "Is that...sweat?" Jack's forearm was wet. He swapped arms and took a whiff. "Nope. Not sweat. Eew." Holding the child under the armpits with both hands he pulled him away to examine the soaked front of the onesie that had transferred pee to his own shirt and smirked, "Guess I should have checked first. Oh well." Jack resigned and pulled him back into his chest to join the rest of his family. 

When they finally emerged from the guest room, everyone was up and surprisingly chipper, nursing giant mugs of coffee. Even Riley had pulled herself out of her nest on the couch and greeted Jack with a mug of his own that he took in his free hand and savored the aroma. 

"Trade?" She asked, reaching her hands out for the infant. Jack shook his head and revealed the matching wet spots on their shirts. "Ok, I'll look for another onesie." She turned on her heel and went for the diaper bag. He shuffled to the couch to meet Riley for a diaper change. 

"There's no more clothes." She explained after rummaging through the bag. "And we're really low on diapers."

"I guess we'll have to go shopping after breakfast." Bozer was excited. "But we can't take him shopping naked. We'll have to wash and dry the wet clothes from today or yesterday."

"I think I can help with that," Mac chimed in as he walked toward where Jack was changing a diaper on the couch. Mac picked up the plastic bag housing the previous day's soiled clothes and the wet one from overnight dangling from Jack's fingers before he disappeared into the bathroom. 

Jack used a wipe to freshen up the baby where he'd leaked and pulled off his own shirt to do the same. "Mac!" He hollered. Mac poked his head out of the bathroom and expertly caught the wet t-shirt Jack lobbed at him unexpectedly. 

Riley returned to the couch with a plate and an already warmed bottle; she sat cross-legged in the corner of the sofa and held her arms out to summon the child. He crawled toward her with a toothless grin and grabbed the bottle before planting himself in her lap. 

Jack watched them with an approving and proud grin. Riley couldn't help but smile back, she was enjoying this babysitting gig. The still pink scarring all over Jack's abdomen caught her eye and she had to divert them without being obvious. The memories of that ordeal came rushing back to her and made her stomach turn. 

Riley tried to hide her intentions with a sugary sweet suggestion, "Jack, why don't you go grab a plate and put on some clothes before the kid gets any wrong ideas about breastfeeding." She cringed at her own words, but at least Jack wouldn't suspect her discomfort had anything to do with his scars. As he left she became fixated on the half dollar sized burn scar from the cattle prod, nauseated from hearing his screams replaying in her head. 

Jack returned in what most people wouldn't consider a shirt, more like a holey rag with a couple of seams up the sides. "Hey, it passed the sniff test." was his response to criticism, "I'm gonna take a shower and change before we leave anyway." 

He sauntered to the couch with a waffle on a plate, topped with 4 slices of bacon, and several lines of maple syrup. As soon as he plopped onto the opposite corner of the couch from Riley, he folded the waffle in half like a taco to eat it. 

Riley commented as she tried to coax the half empty bottle from the baby, "I know Mac uses silverware for everything but eating food, but _you can_ still eat with the silverware."

"Don't need to." Jack said with a mouth full of bacon waffle taco, "I got hands." He took another bite and nodded toward the plate she had on the coffee table, assuming the dry waffle was for the kid. 

With the baby distracted by Jack's food muffled voice, Riley took the bottle and placed it out of sight on the floor. She tore a quarter off of the waffle and showed it to Johnny, hoping he'd eat it. He wasn't interested in the quick bread and refused to take it from her. She waved it back and forth under her nose, "look, it's yummy. Why won't you eat it?" Riley kept trying to hand it to him, but he wanted no part of it.

Mac emerged from the bathroom with a small laundry basket of wet baby clothes. "Mac," Riley called, "you're the baby snack meiser, see if you can get him to try the waffle." He put down the basket next to the couch and took the waffle quarter from Riley. 

From a squatted position eye level with the baby, Mac said, "I know it doesn't have bacon like Jack's does, but it's still good, I promise." He flashed a trustworthy grin, but the kid was only half convinced and still didn't reach for it. Mac tore another quarter off the waffle on the plate and shoved the entire piece into his own mouth and grinned through stuffed cheeks. Johnny laughed and took the piece Mac had offered. "Baby 3 - Adults 1" Mac stated after swallowing his mouthful and continued with his basket to the back deck. 

Jack finished the last of his waffle as the baby attempted to gum his own piece. He looked to Jack for approval and Jack satisfyingly licked the syrup off his fingers as he rose to return his plate to the kitchen. Riley turned the infant back to face her and offer him the bottle to wash down the piece he managed to dissolve in his mouth. "Please don't learn from those Neanderthals. I'll teach you to be a civilized human"

On the back deck, Mac wrung out the baby clothes between dry towels and hung them in the sun to dry the rest of the way. Once Mac returned indoors, Jack was finishing up the breakfast dishes to clear out the sink to give the baby a bath.

"Mac, you still have that baby shampoo you keep in your luggage?" Jack hollered from across the room.

Mac blushed and sighed, "It's in my locker at work." He explained and continued to his room. 

"Well do you have _another_?" Jack yelled louder for Mac to hear him through the house.

There was a reluctant pause, "Yes. I'll get it." 

Jack stood behind Riley and made eye contact with the baby who was drinking from his bottle, tipping it and his head back to try to get more milk faster. Sensing his frustration, Jack told him, "Maybe we'll get you a sippy cup later today, little dude." 

He dropped the bottle and raised his arms, making grabby hands at Jack who couldn't help but beam as he picked the child up. Riley followed them into the kitchen. 

Jack removed the already wet diaper and sat the naked baby on the countertop next to the sink, blocking the ledge with his own body so the little one didn't take a header to the floor. The sink was filled with water, and Jack dipped his elbow into it to check the temperature. "Perfect." He proudly announced to no one in particular. 

As Mac entered the kitchen with the baby shampoo and a small washcloth, Jack gently lowered the little one into the sink, letting him adjust to the water before letting him go. He wrung out the washcloth and used it to dampen Johnny's hair. 

Riley cooed and handed him a teething ring she'd found in the diaper bag. He gladly accepted. Jack reached for the shampoo pumper and Riley stopped him insisting, "I'll do it. I love the way this smells." She gently washed his hair and shoulders with the foamy soap before lathering up the washcloth to wash his bottom. "Jack, you're barely wearing what was at one point considered a shirt, can you stand him up so I can wash the rest?" 

After cleaning and rinsing the babe, they noticed there were only dish towels in the kitchen. Jack went to the linen closet to fetch a small bath towel. Angered by Jack's retreat, the child let out an angry squelch. Riley handed the washcloth to him to appease him. He bunched it in both fists and proceeded to squeal happily as he repeatedly smashed the surface of the water with all his might. 

Jack laughed at the sight of his friends' soaked. clothes. "Baby 4 - Adults 1." He paused, "maybe I should get half credit on that one, I was prepared for the splashes." 

"Oh come on," Riley wiped the water off her chin with a nearby dish towel, "you'd be wearing a real shirt if you hadn't gotten pee all over the other one. And pee is much worse than water. Hell, we should lose another point just for that." 

"Nah." Jack shook his head and handed Mac the towel, "that's for him. I'm headed for the showers." He turned on his heel and disappeared into Mac's bathroom. 

Jack returned from the bathroom fully dressed and refreshed. "Y'all ready to go shopping?" He clapped his hands together and rubbed them back and forth with anticipation. No one paid him any attention. 

Mac popped his head up from behind the coffee table like a prairie dog. "Hey!" And ducked back out of sight. He crawled quickly behind the side of the couch and popped up again, "Hey!" Each time he hid, Riley bounced the child on her knee while making verbal galloping sounds. When she stopped, Mac would pop up in a different spot and the child squealed with delight every time. 

Jack was so proud watching such beautiful sibling interactions. When Bozer approached him with a comprehensive shopping list obtained from his new Mommy Board, Jack put his finger to his lips in a shushing motion and pointed silently to the three that were playing. 

Bozer beamed with pride as well and patted Jack on the back. Jack laid his hand heavily on Bozer's shoulder and gave it a fond squeeze. They watched in awe until they were noticed. 

_The crew of five prepared for their next adventure: A Target Run_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dun dun dunnnnn!  
How will our heroes fare at Target?


	5. Baby 5 - Adults 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Target trip!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys, I realized today (or yesterday, it's all a blur) that I'd been sitting on this mostly written chapter for months. I honestly forgot where I was going with it, but I improvised.

The family of five hopped back into the GTO for their shopping excursion at Target. They parked away from the rest of the cars so Jack's baby, his first born, wouldn't get dinged by careless door openers and rogue carts. Instead of lugging the bucket car seat into the store, Jack unbuckled the little one and carried him on his hip into the store. 

Jack passed the baby to Bozer as he searched the corral of buggies for the perfect shopping cart. He roll tested several to make sure there wasn't too much wobble or improper front end alignment, no old gum stuck to the sides. Once he finally found THE shopping cart worthy of his new human acquisition, he grabbed several of the blue cart wipes and wiped down every square inch of that cart. 

"Jack, that's not…" Bozer began before being cut off by Riley.

"Just let him do his thing. He's a tad...overprotective of kids. I know this first hand." Riley explained.

"Don't we all." Mac muttered. 

Once the cart was thoroughly sanitized and drying, Bozer lifted the child into the air to position him over the seat in the cart before Jack stopped him.

"Wait! He's not wearing any pants, his chunky little legs are gonna stick to the plastic seat." Jack said as he removed his leather jacket and placed it into the seat. "There we go, that's much better." Jack cringed at the filthy buckles and safety straps, but he didn't want his charge climbing out of the cart and busting his head. He reluctantly secured him with the dirty seat belt. 

"I'm going to get some Starbucks," Riley announced, "anyone else need anything?" The boys declined and she walked the few feet toward the Green Siren to order her coffee. Bozer eyed the snack bar and opted for an Icee. Red and blue mixed, his favorite.

They regrouped and worked on a game plan. Riley pulled up the app and they mapped out a route based on Bozer's mommy board approved shopping list. Riley turned off the phone screen with an exasperated sigh,"know what, let's just walk around and shop. If he gets bored or pissed off, we have enough people to still get this done while entertaining a baby."

The crew agreed and they walked through the store, first stop - the baby needs aisle. After being initially overwhelmed by the diaper selection, Jack decided on a box of diapers with little skulls on them, and moved a few feet over to peruse the baby snacks. He grabbed every type of puff and yogurt drop available, then several different flavors of food pouches that didn't sound terribly unappetizing. The child noticed a box of wafers on the top shelf and grabbed towards them. Jack pulled down the box of Baby Mum Mums and asked, "is this one you like?" The toothless grin was the only answer Jack needed before grabbing 4 boxes and dropping them into the cart. 

Mac and Bozer discussed the merits of different types of wipes; Bozer consulted a link from his mommy board about the different additives and preservatives in the various brands. He asked Mac if this chemical or that chemical was safe. "Of course they're safe, they're in baby wipes, but personally I'd chose the ones without certain chemicals." They chose a brand of wipes and bought the bulk pack. 

"You're forgetting the most important part of this," Riley scolded and grabbed a single pack of the wipes they'd chosen. She opened the lid and broke the seal, taking a big whiff of the wipes inside. "Yeah, these will do." She closed the pack and dropped it into the cart with the others. 

When Bozer and Mac moved on to the formula selection, they discussed the numerous options. Was the kid lactose intolerant? Did he need certain nutrients? Were they just supplementing the breast milk? Jack decided it was time to let them do their thing, and he snuck off with the cart and wandered into the baby clothes section.

Jack grabbed a tiny pair of jeans and peeked at the size, 12 months. It looked about the right size and had a lot of stretchy elastic in the waist to fit a variety of sizes. He wasn't quite confident with his selection and single-arm hoisted his infant friend up to his chest. With his other hand he shook the jeans open and pulled them up over squirmy little legs. Once the pants were a confirmed fit, he held the child out with both arms to admire the look. It was perfect, the only way to make it more perfect was to be a pair of tiny dark colored BDUs. He made a mental note to keep an eye out for some of those, despite how unlikely they’d be to find. He’d probably settle for baby cargo pants. 

Surprisingly, removing the pants was much harder. Johnny would have done a quicker job of removing them himself had Jack left him alone to do it. He hung the child off the back of his shoulder and had him undressed down to the clothes he’d arrived in when a familiar logo across the way caught Jack’s eye.

He made a beeline directly to the novelty onesies without even bothering to get the kid back in his seat; their abandoned buggy left in the middle of the aisle. 

“Look at that.” He spoke softly with an excited and airy voice. “It matches mine. See, Me-Tal-lic-a” he held it up next to his shirt to show the infant on his hip his discovery. He bounced the onesie and hanger a couple of times to entice Johnny like a matador would a bull. A toothless smile and grabby hands from him elicited a proud smile from Jack. He gave the kid the shirt and flipped through the rest of the selection on the rack.

By the time the abandoned shopping cart was discovered by the rest of the team, Jack was walking back with his bountiful catch. He dropped 8 onesies into the cart with a mischievous grin. Riley gave him an eyebrow and grabbed them to inspect Jack’s choices. 

She flipped through them, one by one, “Let’s see here, Metallica, Aerosmith, GNR, ooh Ramones, Nirvana, AC/DC, another AC/DC,” she was most impressed with the last one, “Dallas Cowboys. Now how in the hell did you find a Dallas Cowboys baby shirt in LA?”

Jack was also proud of his find, “I must have some kind of hound dog sense about the Cowboys. I found it over there in the clearance rack, it looks like it was an online order that was returned.”

“Well that’s damn lucky, Jack.” Riley smiled and returned the clothes to the cart as Jack and wandered back to the baby needs section with his new kid on his hip. “Where do you think you’re going?”

“We’re gonna go truffle hunting.” Jack told them as he disappeared behind an endcap. Riley grabbed a set of Spider Man pajamas, Bozer chose dinosaurs, and Mac chose a set with little cartoon beakers and lab equipment that spelled out “science rules” on the t-shirt. They took control of the shopping cart and set off to track down Jack.

They located Jack again in the aisle with the one the go accessories. The pair were inspecting the baby wearing apparatuses. "Hey," Jack began when the rest of the team caught up, handing the kid to Bozer, "which one is more us? This gray one with the stars or the black babybjörn?" He showed off the two packages then pointed to another, "and this wrap is pretty bad ass, but I think it's more for little little babies."

"Jack," Mac wanted to be the sensible one, "this assignment is only for a couple of weeks max. Do you really need all of this stuff?"

Jack, with mock offense, cupped the baby's ears with his hands, "he's lost his whole family and all of his worldly possessions. If ol' Jack can make him feel safe and loved by strapping him to my chest, then that's what I'm gonna do."

Mac nodded his head in reluctant agreement. If there was one thing Jack was good at, it was making the abandoned feel loved. "The gray one with the stars. Definitely." Mac added with a sheepish grin. 

“Okay,” Bozer announced, “we still need some bottles, teething rings, and maybe toys?”

“Shoes!” Riley interjected.

Mac countered, “he doesn’t even walk yet.”

Then Bozer added, “and while hard soled shoes used to be thought helpful to new walkers, the advice these days is to let them learn to walk barefoot.”

“Shoes.” with a stern look was Riley’s rebuttal, and she stalked off to the shoe section. “Baby shoes are cute! And that is enough,” she scoffed. 

Jack wasn’t far behind her with his tiny pal. She was cooing over some little brown boots, “Loooook, they look like little tiny Timbs. Jack, he needs these.” 

“Yep.” Jack agreed and then tossed them 20 feet into the shopping cart as Bozer turned down that aisle toward them. “These too,” he tossed a pair of blue Converse into the cart.

“You didn’t even check the size.” Bozer complained. 

Jack sassed, “Well, if he ain’t walking yet, does it really matter? If they’re too big, he’ll grow into them.” He put his palm up toward Riley who returned the high-five. “You two party poopers can go pick out the bottles and dishes, we will go find some toys.”

Mac and Bozer chose a set of glass bottles, some teething toys, a bottle of infant Tylenol, and some Dreft detergent. Riley and Jack had more fun. She grabbed a set of colorful interlocking chain links, “when I used to babysit for the neighbor after...after you left,” she added reluctantly, “he loved these things so much. He always had one in his mouth or jangling a few that were hooked together.”

“That’s perfect. He needs a stuffed animal, something cuddly.” Jack suggested walking further down the aisle. He transferred the kid to his left hip, squatting and grabbing each toy one at a time to present to Johnny. “This giraffe? He’s kinda cute.” Jack shook him near the baby’s face, but didn’t receive much of a reaction. “Ok then, how about this kitty cat?” The baby grabbed the cat by the ear and held it for a second before throwing it to the ground. “Ok, no cats. What about a dog?” Jack dug through the mound of stuffed toys for a dog and pulled out a gray and white wolf cub, “oh yeah, look at this one, little buddy.” The kid grasped it and pulled it into his chest. The choice was made. 

The foursome, now party of five, eventually regrouped near the checkout with their cart full of supplies. The kid was placed back in the shopping cart seat and immediately started crying. The line was three deep, and the child was clearly hungry and tired of shopping. 

“Oh come on, little man, I’ve carried you two miles through this store, you gotta let your old man’s back have a rest.” He squatted to talk face to face with the baby which calmed him slightly. When he stood back up straight and pulled his shoulders back they heard five loud pops in quick succession.

“Jeez, Jack,” Riley started, but was interrupted by the child wailing. Jack held his arms out toward the baby to signal he was about to pick him up, and the crying stopped. When Jack put his arms back down, the crying continued. “Well, looks like someone’s spoiled.” Riley shook her head as she tossed her Frappuccino cup and picked him up out of the shopping cart. 

Jack snickered, “Baby 5 - Adults 1.”

Eight hundred forty-three dollars later, they loaded up the car and drove back to Mac’s house. 

In the car Bozer had a realization, “oh man, we forgot the books.” 

“That’s ok, we’ll just find a bookstore later, they probably have a better selection. We can each grab our favorite childhood book to read for him.”

Riley laughed, “we might have to go to the museum to get a copy of Jack’s. It’s probably written on papyrus and on display.”

Bozer leaned toward the front seat near her ear and whispered, “ix-nay on the old-yay okes-jay.”

Jack stuck his finger up, “Bozer, I can speak half a dozen languages fluently, what makes you think pig latin would not be in my rolodex.” 

Riley interrupted, “well I was taking it easy on him, I could have said stone tablets, but I went with papyrus. See? Not as old.”

“You’re so generous.” Jack replied in a monotone as they pulled into the driveway. 

Within minutes of settling in inside, a food puree pouch and a breastmilk bottle were heated. Jack took a seat in the recliner and extended the footrest, propping the tot up in the crook of his arm. Little Johnny held the bottle himself for a few minutes before he dozed off, then Jack took the helm and held the bottle until he dozed off himself. Mac managed to grab the near empty bottle just before it fell into their laps. Riley covered Jack’s legs with the old couch blanket and placed the baby’s blanket over the pair for their afternoon nap. 

**Author's Note:**

> Yes. A baby. I told you this was self indulgent as hell. Team Improv + a baby. Mostly dad!jack, of course, but the entire team gets to play. Blantant overuse of the word "little." I do use synonyms a lot, but little just fits so well.
> 
> Totally a WIP as in I just got the idea this morning and vomited the words out just now. Updates will come as ideas flow.
> 
> I tried to turn on fluff mode in my brain after being so damn mean to Jack, and this is what inadvertently came out. It's about to get so much fluffier and sweeter. This was just the setup so I could pretend there was plot to go with the incoming ovary exploding fluff


End file.
